The assignment: You have 4 psychologists at 4 tables: Freud
, and Erikson.
Assign 10 people from, real or fictional, to each of the 4 tables, and justify their placement.
Brought to you by the insanity that is the EmilyKelsey, we bring you:
Dear T.O.: we're sorry. Really.
Freud Meets Harry Potter
Freud: Today we are here to discuss the unconscious mind. What IS the unconscious, you may ask. Well, I'll tell you! IT’S ALL THAT OTHER STUFF you don't think about. Unless you're a Jedi, but they're at another table. ::pause:: Qui-Gon, I think that means you. ::Qui-Gon sneaks away (with dignity and poise)::
HARRY: Hey! I'm a Jedi too! I'll just go with him!
James: Oh no you don't. We're going to talk about your issues. Your unconciousnesses. Or wait. No. What?
Remus: Just stop trying, James. Please, really.
Remus: Now is not the time for that, Sirius.
Freud: Anyway. Lets go around the table and say why you think you're here.
Harry: Well it doesn't have anything to do with my Dad coming back from the DEAD or anything. Noooo. And certainly not with that pervy snake-face guy who's been chasing me around with a stick since I was a baby. Let's talk about his issues, huh?
Voldemort: I resent that! And it's not a stick. It's a wand. An All-powerful wand. ::sulk::
Freud: Now, that's an interesting point. What does the wand REALLY represent, though?
Lily: ::hits James::
Freud: Excellent! That's right!
Draco: Potter plays with his penis while pondering his papa!
Lucius: That’s projection, Draco. Well, done, son- but we don’t discuss these things in public. Malfoys don’t resort to alliteration, either. We’ll discuss your punishment later.
Remus: Could we please return to the subject at hand?
Sirus: Well, I know what subject is in your hand…
Narcissa: That’s disgusting!
Bellatrix: I think it’s kinda hot.
Freud: Well. Continuing around the table, Mrs. Potter, would you care to tell us why you’re here?
Lily: Well, recently I returned from the dead with my husband, his best friend, who he has been having an affair with by the way, and Cedric. No one knows why, except that maybe it’s to make Harry feel better about his life. Or something.
Freud: Very good, Lily. Thank you for sharing. Now how about you, Bellatrix?
Bellatrix: I’m in love with my master! It’s a soul bond!
Voldemort: Oh god. No, no it’s not! Not again! That’s why Snape returned to the light! We can’t consummate our love within such an uneven power structure; how would I know that you love the REAL me? ::sob::
Freud: Narcissa, does this situation mean anything to you, personally?
Narcissa: Well, my husband prefers my son’s company to my own. And I keep having dreams about trees.
Freud: And what do these trees mean.
Freud: I see you’ve read my book, verygood.
Remus: Sirius, just stop it! You’re embarrassing me
Freud: No, no. Your friend has proved that he truly understands the depths of the unconscious mind.
Remus: Well, I for one have had no dreams of wands, trees, or any other large phallic symbols.
Yoda, from the next table over: REPRESSED, YOU ARE! Heeehee.
Freud: The troll has a point, son. Perhaps you should examine your dreams more carefully; the latent content may surprise you.
So, in summary: Harry is here for his oedipal-daddy issues, James is here because he is unable to differentiate between companionate and passionate love, Lily, Narcissa and Bellatrix are all suffering from penis-envy (Bellatrix has embraced this by seeking enjoyment in homosexual voyeurism, as shown by her interest in Mr. Black and Mr. Lupin), Remus is repressed, Voldemort is deranged and sex-deprived, Draco and Lucius have succumbed to their darkest dreams and have so embraced the unconscious that it is now their conscious reality, and Sirius is well educated in the arts of psychoanalysis.
Now for the JEDI! With Abraham Maslov.
Maslov: Today we will discuss the hierarchy of needs. Are we all familiar with what we NEED in life?
Yoda: Self-actualized, I am. Need this, I do not.
Maslov: Right, well, stick around anyway. Anyone else care to answer?
Mace Windu: Well there’s the psychological-
Xanatos: Your name. Where’d you get it?
Mace: Shut up or I cut you.
Maslov: MOVING ON. Clearly, Mr. Windu, you need to work on your esteem, which is the third tier of the hierarchy of NEEDS. Anyone know the second?
Adi Gallia: Safety is the second tier. There is no safety in the life of a jedi. Unless you’re on the council.
Qui-Gon: You’re hiding from the living force!
Obi -Wan: Count Dooku says that-
Yoda: Care not, what Dooku says.
Maslov: FOCUS. How about you, Luke and Leia. Can you tell me what the last 2 tiers are?
Leia: Love and then self-actualization
Leia: Luke, I know that self-actualization is the top tier. Shut up.
Luke: Well. My father abandoned me.
Vader: I did nothing of the sort! OBI-WAN hid you from me!
Obi-Wan: Hey now. I only did what YODA told me to do.
Yoda: Spoke to me through the force, QUI-GON did.
Qui-Gon: Y’all need to stop MISINTERPRETING ME.
Maslov: Well then. Clearly you all need to stabilize your safety, for without safety you cannot be self-actualized, and that is the goal of all humans.
Bant: I’m an alien.
Maslov: Well, I’m sure aliens need to be self actualized, too.
Yoda: Against the code, self-actualization is.
Qui Gon: The code can be changed.
Xanatos: I knew you’d come around eventually, master! Give me a hug!
Obi wan: You do and I stab you. MINE.
Qui Gon: You see, Xanatos, Obi and I have a SOUL BOND. Although, I don’t know why he loves me because I’m so old and I have grey hair, look!
Obi-Wan: It’s manly. ::pets::
Maslov: So how about everyone says what tier they think they’ve reached and no, Yoda, you are NOT self-actualized.
Yoda: Kill you in your sleep, I will. Self-actualized, I am.
Mace: I think I’ve made it to esteem. I’ve just lost that loving feeling. (motherfucker)
Vader: I am self-actualized. I brought balance to the force.
Luke: DEAD BEAT DAD!
Leia: Luke. Drop it. I, for one, think I’ve reached the tier of love and bonding. I’m working on my relationship with Han and-
Luke: WHAT? Now you’re abandoning me, TOO? WHAT IS THIS MADNESS??
Maslov: I think you’re stuck at psychological, hun.
Luke: Nobody likes me.
Adi: I am at the level of esteem. Once I can find myself worthy of the force I shall become one with it.
Bant: ...I’m still an alien. I don’t think this applies to me.
Xanatos: Find me someone to love, baby.
Qui Gon: ::scoots away:: I’m at esteem. I still don’t think I’m worthy of my Obi-Wan’s love and attention-
Obi Wan: Oh shut it. You are, stop moping. I’m at the love and bonding tier, because I’m bound to Qui-Gon forevah.
Maslov: Well. Thankyou all for coming. I need to go drown myself in tiny booze now.
And now... SKINNER deals with 'Alias' and 'Stargate SG-1'
Skinner: Welcome to the table, everyone.
Jack B.: ::throws him on table:: WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?
Skinner: I’m a...I’m... what?
Sydney: Dad, chill.
Jack B: Right. I’m watching you. I have my room of TORTURE all set up, ready to go.
Skinner: Yes, well. Everyone else! Who here has experience with conditioning!
Sydney: My father brainwashed me as a child and made me the principle test subject in a secret government plan called project Christmas.
Irina: Jack, you actually put Sydney through that?
Jack B: You were going to come and brainwash her like you did to me!
Irina: Wo... you decided to get there first, then?
Jack O: Dude, that’s really screwed up.
Daniel: Actually, in some cultures brainwashing is a form of flattery.
Sam: Yes, and the scientific explanation for this is mold!
Teal’c: I do not understand. The Goa'uld conditioned all of my Jaffa brethren to serve them as gods. We are slaves to the false god Apophis.
Apophis: SHOVAH! You are a traitor!
Daniel: Isn't that was shovah means, traitor? Because according to these ancient sea-scrolls-
Jack O: Daniel. Save us the lecture.
Skinner: Right, well, I see you all are very, very familiar with conditioning, then.
Anna: Mwahahaha. I belong in space. ::shrugs::
Skinner: Clearly you have been conditioned to believe that you are a Russian spy working for Irina Derevko. You are really a very nice person-
Sydney: Fat chance.
Sark: Oh your space ship was quite lovely, though.
Skinner: Oh, Mr. Sark. Glad you could join us. Tell us about your experience with conditioning.
Sark: Well, when I was a wee lad, Irina came and took me and taught me everything about the spy business. Then I found out that my father was Russian, too (weird, I know I look totally Swedish) but yeah, apparently I’m the heir to the Romanovs.
Catherine the Great ::from other table:: : COME TO THE DARK SIDE.
Sark: Dude, I’m already there.
Skinner: Well. I guess my work here is done. Thank you, everyone.
Jack B: I KILL YOU NOW.
ERIKSON’S CIRCLE OF LOVE AND CARING.
Erikson: Welcome to the circle, everyone! How about everyone introduces himself!
Alexander the great: I will rule ALL OF ASIA.
Hephaestion: And I’ll help him. ::snuggles::
Catherine the Great: I love horses.
Charles V: Germany, please forgive me. Martin Luther just keeps on coming.
Hamilton: Well, my father abandoned me as a small child, so now I have George Washington.
Washington: We must stabilize the government. That is our goal.
Virginia Woolf: I can’t believe you abandoned England. It is wonderful.
Washington: Yes well, we were being oppressed.
Cussler: Viriginia Woolf, it’s such an honor to not only be alive at the same time as you, but to sit next to you. Wow.
Ewan McGregor: Um, yeah. Hi, I’m Ewan and I have no idea what’s going on.
Virigin Mary: You are extremely attractive. Did you know that?
Erikson: Well, now that we’re all friends, let’s discuss the stages of development!
Alexander: Fortunately I died before I could reach self-absorption (although I got a lot of that out of the way earlier in life. I’m an overachiever) or stagnativity.
Hephaestion: Although we very successfully filled the years with intimacy. ::loves::
Catherine: I also died tragically, although rumors would show that I was doomed by my isolationism in my youth and so resorted to horses.
Ewan: Oh god.
Washington: I too, like horses.
Hamilton: Not in that way, Papa. ::whisperwhisper::
Virginia: Clearly it’s only a result of the feminist ideal we are forced to embrace by the patriarchal culture of the times!
Charles V: I died of despair. Luther sucked out my soul. Destroyed my will to live. No soul bond for me. Woe.
Ewan: Y’know, heroin could help you with that.
Mary: No! JESUS! He is the only way! And he loves children.
Ewan: That’s Michael Jackson.
Cussler: But make sure you use sensual diction. Not sensuous. The difference is this; one is about SEX!
Erikson: I don’t think this conversation is going where I planned. Let’s just... stop while we’re ahead, shall we?
THE END OMG T.O WE'RE SORRY. (But it was lots and lots of fun!)